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Uncrapify Your Life!

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Hello. I’m Jeff Havens, here to help you become the worst you can be. Today we’re going to focus on how to more effectively criticize others. Now I’m sure some of you are thinking, “That doesn’t seem very nice.” And it isn’t. That’s not the point. Pay attention, people, the purpose of this article is to help you uncrapify your life, not anybody else’s. And seriously, what could make you feel better than making those around you feel bad? This is something you’ve been doing since you were a child. But until now your efforts have been those of an amateur. I, however, am a professional. I’ve been criticizing people for a living now for the past seven years, and I’ve developed a foolproof system to help you feel better at the expense of those around you.

[wcm_restrict]The first step is to frame your criticism with a well-chosen phrase that makes it sound like you’re actually trying to help the person you’re about to insult; that way, you will get the most pleasure out of their shock and pain. “No offense…,” for example, is an excellent choice for two reasons. First, nobody in the history of the world has ever said “No offense…” without following it with something moderately or entirely offensive. But more importantly, if the person you’re talking to gets upset, it’s really their fault, isn’t it? You weren’t trying to offend them – you just said so! – and they should really try to lighten up a bit. It’s airtight, and there are a lot of other phrases that are just as effective. “Don’t take this the wrong way…,” “I don’t mean to sound rude…,” “This isn’t going to sound the way I mean it…” – you get the idea.

The second step is the actual criticism itself – the meat of the insult, the heart of the wounding. All you have to do here is be original and descriptive. You want to hit people with something they aren’t expecting. “I don’t like you,” for example, is a very common insult, and as such is relatively ineffective at getting a reaction out of people. But if you were to walk up to a family member or coworker and say, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I hope you contract an intestinal parasite” – you’ll get so much more joy out of the expression on their face. The best insults take time to formulate, but the reward is well worth the time and trouble.

Now I suppose this approach could work both ways. That is, you could theoretically create original, descriptive, and meaningful compliments and praises for those around you. All of us need to hear those things from time to time, and just about anything is better than a half-hearted “Good job!” that sounds more like a way to fill silence than it does an earnest attempt at sincerity. I mean, just imagine the difference that a single word can make. “I love you” is well and good, but you’ve also said it a million times. But when was the last time you told your children or your spouse “I adore you,” or “I cherish you”?

Hmmm…

No. Never mind. Forget I said anything.[/wcm_restrict][wcm_nonmember]

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About the Author

Jeff Havens is a former comedian turned college and corporate speaker. His latest comedy lecture, How to Get Fired!, helps prepare college students for their professional lives by ‘encouraging’ them to do each of the top ten things that most commonly cost people their jobs. The accompanying book, How to Get Fired!: The New Employee’s Guide to Perpetual Unemployment, is available in all popular retail outlets and online at www.Amazon.com and www.jeffhavens.com.

How to Get Fired! Or keep your job, whichever you’d prefer

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So, your formal education is coming to a close. You’ve had a wonderful time in school, and you’re in no hurry to trade that for a life filled with stress and responsibility. In fact, this whole ‘getting a job’ thing isn’t even your idea; it’s your parent’s or school counselor’s idea, it’s the entire seething mass of society trying to crush your freedom.

Well then, fight back! If you would rather play video games all day than suffer through a lifetime of stable employment, here’s exactly what you need to do:[wcm_restrict]

  • Dress every day as though you’ve just woken up. Nothing says ‘disinterested in advancement’ like a man or woman too lazy to bother with basic grooming.
  • Treat your job like college! In other words, do what you like when you like and ignore the rest. Show up when it suits you, skip meetings you expect will be boring or inconvenient, and save all your productive energy for the night before any project is due. You’ve had several years to perfect these skills, and if you continue putting them to good use you should ensure that the IRS never bothers to audit you. After all, why hassle a person without assets?
  • Gossip! Remember how you’ve used your Facebook account to complain about the various problems of others? Well, no need to stop now! And since nothing on the Internet stays private, it’ll only be a matter of time before word trickles back to your boss about what you’ve been saying about him/her. And when it does, congratulations! You’ll never miss another mid-morning cartoon marathon in your life!

In all seriousness, those techniques are very effective at helping people lose their jobs. And if that’s your goal, you can stop reading now. However, if you actually want to keep a job – any job – for any length of time, here are a few things to consider:

  • Under no circumstances should your parents accompany you on any interview. Nobody will hire anyone whose mommy and daddy need to do all the talking. Seriously, if they’re coming with you, why not just sit in the car and wait to see how it turned out. Then maybe they’ll take you out for ice cream afterwards!
  • Do not use your social networking email as the contact email on your resume. It’s awfully hard to take anybody seriously when they ask you to contact them at [email protected]
  • Show up every day, on time. Not terribly profound advice, but it’s a habit school – especially college – doesn’t require you to develop. Your job will, though.
  • Understand that you’re not going to start at the top unless you’re related to the person who hired you, of course. Otherwise, yours will be a slow and steady progression like everyone else’s, and if you want that progression to happen faster, you’ll concentrate on proving yourself first. If you expect to advance before you’ve demonstrated an ability to handle more and more difficult assignments, then you’ll be waiting for a long, long time.

There’s more to know and plenty of other behaviors to avoid, but this should get you started. So get out there and enjoy yourself because the ability to determine the path of your life, which your education has just given you, is a more incredible experience than you might expect. Don’t blow it.[/wcm_restrict][wcm_nonmember]

Hi there! This article is available for free. Login or register as a StrategyDriven Personal Business Advisor Self-Guided Client by:

Subscribing to the Self Guided Program - It's Free!


 
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About the Author

Jeff Havens is a former comedian turned college and corporate speaker. His latest comedy lecture, How to Get Fired!, helps prepare college students for their professional lives by ‘encouraging’ them to do each of the top ten things that most commonly cost people their jobs. The accompanying book, How to Get Fired!: The New Employee’s Guide to Perpetual Unemployment, is available in all popular retail outlets and online at www.Amazon.com and www.jeffhavens.com.