Avoiding Resistance

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Every year, with the best will in the world, we make New Year’s resolutions to make some sort of change, like exercising more or eating healthier. We start off with great gusto and determination, yet by February we begin making excuses to avoid the gym, or convince ourselves pizza would be great for dinner. What happens? We’re approaching change in the wrong way. But we can easily make it right.

Beliefs Define Behaviors

Here’s the problem. Within each of us are long-held rules and principles, created and maintained by our idiosyncratic belief structure. I call this internal, unconscious collection our system, and (as explained in my new book What? Did you really say what I think I heard?), this system determines our behaviors (including how we respond to/hear others, how we choose friends, our politics and religion) and our behaviors are our beliefs in action. We rarely behave, communicate, or decide in ways that offend our beliefs because we would then be incongruent.

It all operates effortlessly until we attempt to drive a behavior that runs counter to our beliefs – and then we get resistance as our system attempts to maintain balance. [I’ve written about it exhaustively in Dirty Little Secrets: why buyers can’t buy and sellers can’t sell and what you can do about it.] This is why people and teams won’t execute good decisions, users don’t use new software, and why implementations fail: we are ignoring our accepted practice and pushing unapproved behaviors into a system that must resist to maintain it’s status quo and balance.

Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail

New Year’s resolutions seek behavior change with no accompanying belief change, potentially causing their own resistance. When my coaching clients seek change, we begin by understanding the systemic baseline beliefs and getting agreement from the system to add acceptable behaviors that will match those beliefs. Here’s a personal example: I’m a healthy person and strongly believe one of my modalities toward health is exercise. But I hate hate hate the gym (Did I say I hate the gym?). I hate it so much I count the steps backward from my house to the gym, and backward again until I’m eventually home. Thankfully I found several classes that are somewhat non-objectionable, and do sweaty country-swing dancing a few times a week. So I get 10 hours a week of exercise and remain congruent with my beliefs: I am a fit, healthy person. And when I find myself making excuses for going to the gym, I remind myself that if I don’t go I won’t be a healthy person. I decide from my beliefs, and act from my behaviors.

I’m aware that there are many models that show how to work with resistance, or behavior change. Yet it’s possible to avoid resistance altogether by first enabling agreement from our beliefs and only then adding behaviors – working from within first, and avoiding ‘push’ from the outside. Then we can maintain our New Year’s resolutions.

If you want some personal or team coaching to manage congruent change, or wish to work with clients in a way that avoids resistance (for sellers, coaches, consultants, negotiators, and decision scientists) contact me at [email protected] to set up a time to pursue possibilities.

To learn more about What? Did you really say what I think I heard? and how to close the gap between what’s said and what’s heard, go to www.didihearyou.com where the digital book is available for free.

About the Author

Sharon Drew Morgen is founder of Morgen Facilitations, Inc. (www.newsalesparadigm.com). She is the visionary behind Buying Facilitation®, the decision facilitation model that enables people to change with integrity. A pioneer who has spoken about, written about, and taught the skills to help buyers buy, she is the author of the acclaimed New York Times Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity and Dirty Little Secrets: Why buyers can’t buy and sellers can’t sell and what you can do about it.

To contact Sharon Drew at [email protected] or go to www.didihearyou.com to choose your favorite digital site to download your free book.

Confident Communication

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In a professional setting, projecting confidence can make or break an interaction and have a significant impact on how others perceive your character and professional abilities. Those who appear confident are often assumed to be more capable in their jobs and more worthy of trust and respect.

Your communication style can play a significant role in projecting confidence. Changing the way you speak is one of the first and most important steps in achieving an air of confidence and success. Your tone of voice, rate of speech, and other non-verbal cues often say more about your message than your words themselves. Subtle changes in your voice and presentation create a significant difference in how your message is received.

One key aspect of speech that can be modified to project confidence is how quickly you speak. Many people, when nervous or excited, tend to speak too quickly. Rushing through your words not only makes it difficult for others to understand you, but also makes it seem as though you are nervous and trying to get speaking over with as quickly as possible. Be aware of this pitfall, and concentrate on using a controlled, even rate of speech. This will help you to appear confident and knowledgeable about the topic on which you’re speaking and give your listener the impression that what you have to say is worth taking the time to listen to.

Intonation can also play a role in projecting confidence. One intonation pattern that can be particularly damaging is upspeak or high-rising intonation. Upspeak, made famous by the 1980s “Valley girl” accent, is characterized by raising your pitch at the end of a sentence so that statements sound like questions. This pattern gives off an air of insecurity and makes it seem that you are unsure of yourself and seeking your listener’s approval. Take care to avoid this pattern, and end each sentence authoritatively.

Another speech habit that can be fatal to projecting confidence is the use of ‘filler’ words. People often pepper their speech with words such as “um”, “uh”, “like” or “you know” which contain no content, add nothing to the message, and interrupt the flow of speech. For example, many people find themselves in the habit of ending sentences with, question words like “okay?” “right?” “see?” or “you know what I mean?” Others use “um” at the beginning of sentences or when transitioning from one thought to another. In order to reduce your reliance on filler words, try identifying where you most commonly use fillers, and briefly pause instead. Many people avoid pauses because they are uncomfortable with silence, but a brief pause will give you a moment to collect your thoughts, allow your listeners to absorb your message, and will sound much more confident and professional than needless fillers.

Finally, take note of your volume when speaking. A strong, well-projected voice makes you sound authoritative and like a natural leader. While you don’t want to shout, speaking with a strong volume gives others the impression that you are saying something worth listening to. Speaking too quietly can make it seem as though you’re not fully sure of what it is you’re saying, or that you don’t feel it’s really important.

Strong professional communication skills are critical to projecting confidence and achieving success in the workplace. By following the strategies above, you can change your communication style to one that tells clients and colleagues that you are a confident leader with a message worth listening too. If you’d like to make more significant changes in your communication style, you may want to enlist the help of a corporate speech-language pathologist who can provide communication training to target your specific needs. Learn to communicate with clarity and confidence, and take your career to the next level!

About the Author

Jayne LatzJayne Latz is an expert in communication and CEO of Corporate Speech Solutions, LLC. She has worked as a speech trainer, coach, professional speaker, and has co-authored two books titled, Talking Business: A Guide to Professional Communication and Talking Business: When English is Your Second Language. She was recently featured in The Wall Street Journal and on The TODAY Show.

If you are interested in learning more ways to improve your business communication skills, contact Jayne at [email protected] or visit www.corporatespeechsolutions.com.

The Big Picture of Business – Avoid the Tired, Trite Terms: Encourage Original Thought, Focus on Priorities and Strategy

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Words count. Put together, they reflect corporate culture. Used out of context, words become excuses, gibberish, rationales and basically wastes of energy.

When people hear certain words and expressions often enough, they parrot them. Rather than use critical thinking to communicate, many people often gravitate to the same old tired catch phrases.

I sat in a meeting of highly educated business executives. The presenter was dropping the term ‘brand’ into every other sentence. The word had lost its power and came across as a fill-in-the-blank substitution for a more appropriate though. Many people used to do the same thing with the word ‘technology,’ using it far from its reasonable definitions.

These clichés do not belong in business dialog, in strategic planning and in corporate strategy. These expressions are trite and reflect a copy-cat way of talking and thinking:

  • ‘Solutions’ is a tired 1990’s term, taken from technology hype. People who use it are vendors, selling what they have to solve your ‘problems,’ rather than diagnosing and providing what your company needs. It is a misnomer to think that a quick fix pawned off as a ‘solution’ will take care of a problem once and for all. Such a word does not belong in conversation and business strategy, let alone the name of the company.
  • The ‘brand’ is a marketing term. The strategy, culture and vision are many times greater and more important.
  • ‘So…’ In the 1960’s, TV sitcom writers began every scene with ‘So…’ After enough years of hearing it, people lapse that dialog into corporate conversations. It is intended to reduce the common denominator of the discussion to that of the questioner. It is monotonous, and there are more creative ways to engage others into conversation aside from minimizing the dialog.
  • ‘Value proposition’ is a sales term and is one-sided toward the person offering it. It implies that the other side must buy in without question.
  • ‘Right now’ is a vendor term for what they’re peddling, rather than what the marketplace really needs. Expect to render good business all the time.
  • ‘Customer care’ means that customer service is palmed off on some call center. “Customer experience” comes right out of marketing surveys, which rarely ask for real feedback or share the findings with company decision makers. That is so wrong, as customer service must be every business person’s responsibility. Service should not be something that is sold but which nurtures client relationships.

Many of these stock phrases represent ‘copywriting’ by people who don’t know about corporate vision. Their words overstate, get into the media and are accepted by audiences as fact. Companies put too much of their public persona in the hands of marketers and should examine more closely the partial images which they put into the cyberspace. Our culture hears and believes the hype, without looking beyond the obvious.

Here are some examples of the misleading and misrepresenting things one sees and hears in the Information Age. These terms are judgmental and should not be used in marketing, least of all in business strategy: Easy, Better, Best, For all your needs, Perfection, Number one, Good to go, Results, World class, Hearts and minds, Cool, The end of the day, Virtual, Right now, Not so much and Game changing.

Street talk, misleading slogans and terms taken out of context do not belong in the business vocabulary. Business planning requires insightful thinking and language which clearly delineates what the company mission is and how it will grow.

These are the characteristics of effective words, phrases and, thus, company philosophy:

  • Focus upon the customer.
  • Honor the employees.
  • Defines business as a process, not a quick fix.
  • Portray their company as a contributor, not a savior.
  • Clearly defines their niche.
  • Say things that inspire you to think.
  • Compatible with other communications.
  • Remain consistent with their products, services and track record.

About the Author

Hank MoorePower Stars to Light the Business Flame, by Hank Moore, encompasses a full-scope business perspective, invaluable for the corporate and small business markets. It is a compendium book, containing quotes and extrapolations into business culture, arranged in 76 business categories.

Hank’s latest book functions as a ‘PDR of business,’ a view of Big Picture strategies, methodologies and recommendations. This is a creative way of re-treading old knowledge to enable executives to master change rather than feel as they’re victims of it.

Power Stars to Light the Business Flame is now out in all three e-book formats: iTunes, Kindle, and Nook.

Are We Hearing What Our Clients Are Saying?

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How much of what our clients intend us to understand say do we hear accurately?

How much of our own bias is involved?

What’s the difference between when we hear accurately what our clients mean, and when we make assumptions or bias what we think we heard?

As coaching and consulting professionals, we need to hear what’s been meant. Our jobs, and our client’s goals, depend on this. But sometimes we make assumptions that are inaccurate that cause us to lose clients, or set them down the wrong path. Sometimes we hear a biased version of what’s been said and as a result, believe our clients may have problems beyond what they say they have.

What’s stopping us from hearing as accurately as we should? And how can we correct ourselves if it turns out we might have misheard or misunderstood?

Webinar Details

This webinar is complimentary for professional coaches and consultants.

Topic: Learning to Hear What Our Clients Are Saying

Host: Sharon Drew Morgen, New York Times best-selling author and StrategyDriven Principal Contributor

Date: Friday, December 19, 2014

Time: 2:00 pm Eastern / 1:00 pm Central / 12:00 pm Mountain / 11:00 am Pacific

Login Details:

Join the WebEx meeting
Meeting number: 591 424 675

Join by Phone
Call-in toll-free number: 1-800-214-6442 (US)
Call-in number: 1-404-410-4567 (US)

Access Code: 803 652 6

Additional Resources

Go to www.didihearyou.com where you can get Sharon Drew’s new book, What? Did you really say what I think I heard?, and peruse the learning tools that accompany the book for those wishing to recognize any obstacles with their listening habits (Assessments) or learn how to overcome any bias and misinterpretation issues (Study Guide) that occur during conversations.

About the Author

Sharon Drew Morgen is founder of Morgen Facilitations, Inc. (www.newsalesparadigm.com). She is the visionary behind Buying Facilitation®, the decision facilitation model that enables people to change with integrity. A pioneer who has spoken about, written about, and taught the skills to help buyers buy, she is the author of the acclaimed New York Times Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity and Dirty Little Secrets: Why buyers can’t buy and sellers can’t sell and what you can do about it.

To contact Sharon Drew at [email protected] or go to www.didihearyou.com to choose your favorite digital site to download your free book.

We Don’t Really Hear Each Other

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We are not always able to accurately hear what others mean to convey. Sometimes we hear only a fraction of what’s been said and our brains misunderstand or bias the rest – and we might not realize it until it’s too late, causing us to believe we’re right and others are wrong, or moving to action using the wrong assumptions. We’re left with restricted communication and creativity, failed relationships, and lost profit. And none of it is our fault.

We try to attend carefully to what’s being said. Yet our pesky brains do some pretty sophisticated stuff, all without our conscious consent: they

  • delete or misconstrue or filter out what sounds wrong or goes against our beliefs or is unfamiliar, then
  • matches what’s left with a historic memory of a ‘similar-enough’ conversation and
  • throws out what doesn’t match that memory.

Whatever is left is what we believe has been said.

In conversations with familiar folks, there is less of a gap; with folks we don’t know, in dialogues that are outside of our habitual knowledge base, or when we enter conversations with a rigid goal, we accurately understand far less of what was actually meant. A problem occurs when we are convinced – certain – that what we heard is accurate, and don’t know when, if, or how, to take measures to fix a problem we don’t believe we have. As a result we unwittingly compromise relationships, business, partnerships, creativity, and success.

With little control over what our brains tell us we’ve heard, we’re left with the fallout:

  • Misunderstandings that remain unresolved because we believe – we’re certain – we’re right;
  • Bad feelings and take-aways caused by misheard communication;
  • Biased assumptions that cause inadequate responses and failed initiatives;
  • Misheard facts that lead to inaccuracies in business, technology, relationships;
  • Restricted creativity, laps in leadership, therapy, coaching, and medical advice.

We misunderstand doctors, make assumptions with our teenagers and vendors, bias communications with family members and colleagues, set up filters before conversations with historic relationships. Our lives are influenced by how accurately we hear what others mean to convey.

But a new book is out that will resolve these problems. What? Did you really say what I think I heard? not only describes how, exactly, our brains create the instinctive actions that limit our ability to hear others without bias or misunderstanding, but also shows how to intervene our automatic behaviors and hear others as they intend to be heard.

Different from books on Active Listening which merely enables listeners to hear words, What? focuses on understanding intended meaning. Using exercises and assessments, funny stories and authentic appeal, New York Times best selling author and StrategyDriven Principal Contributor, Sharon Drew Morgen has written a game changer, a book that thoroughly breaks down every aspect of how we interpret what others mean to tell us, how the understanding gap between Sender and Receiver is created, and the skills to avoid any misinterpretation or bias at all. It’s a book that will be the foremost communication book for decades and the book is being offered for free (no opt in).

Go to www.didihearyou.com where you can get the book, and peruse the learning tools that accompany the book for those wishing to recognize any obstacles with their listening habits (Assessments) or learn how to overcome any bias and misinterpretation issues (Study Guide) that occur during conversations.

About the Author

Sharon Drew Morgen is founder of Morgen Facilitations, Inc. (www.newsalesparadigm.com). She is the visionary behind Buying Facilitation®, the decision facilitation model that enables people to change with integrity. A pioneer who has spoken about, written about, and taught the skills to help buyers buy, she is the author of the acclaimed New York Times Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity and Dirty Little Secrets: Why buyers can’t buy and sellers can’t sell and what you can do about it.

To contact Sharon Drew at [email protected] or go to www.didihearyou.com to choose your favorite digital site to download your free book.